We’re Sorry, So Sorry

April has been a busy month for apologies -- the court-ordered kind, the notorious kind, the begrudging kind and a few other flavors. A brief roundup:

• Charlie Crist had to apologize to David Byrne for the unauthorized use of his song “Road To Nowhere” in his failed Senate campaign. As part of the settlement Crist had to record an apology and post it on YouTube. Watch it here; you can practically see the gun at his head:



• Waaaay back in 2007 when he was a journalist for ABC’s “20/20,” John Stossel (who's now at Fox News) pulled a Breitbart on L.A. pastor Frederick K.C. Price. The story was about wealthy pastors, and Stossel aired a quote of the preacher’s completely out of context, making it appear he was gloating about owning a yacht and living in a mansion when in fact Price was making a point about how such earthly treasures do not lead to spiritual wealth. Price sued and now, four years later, ABC and Price have reached a legal settlement which includes this apology:

"ABC News apologizes for any harm caused to you as a result of its broadcast of a video clip that ABC News stated was of you speaking about yourself when in fact you were talking about a hypothetical person," Kerry Smith of ABC News said in her statement to Price. "ABC News regrets that it did not conduct sufficient investigation of the clip after receiving it to establish its correct context.  By presenting the footage out of context, ABC News misled its audience and failed to meet its own standards, which ABC deeply regrets."

Four years may seem like a long time to wait but sadly, no:

• The state of Alabama has finally apologized to an African American woman who was kidnapped and gang-raped by seven gun and knife wielding white men on her way home from church 67 years ago. The men were never prosecuted, but the now 91-year-old Recy Taylor finally has her apology for the state's failure to act. That’s about all she’s going to get, though. Read this and weep for “the good ol’ days” some folks seem intent on dragging this country back to:

Although Taylor was able to identify her attackers, two all white, all-male grand juries refused to issue indictments, as was the case in the South when whites committed crimes against blacks in the days before the 1964 federal Civil Rights Act.

In addition, Taylor, her husband and their 3-year-old daughter had to leave their home after white men attacked it to intimidate the Taylors. The home was firebombed during one attack.

The family moved in with Mrs. Taylor's parents and younger siblings and her father would sit in a tree with a shotgun at night guarding the home.

Six of the seven attackers have died. Although there is no statute of limitations on rape in Alabama, charges must be brought in the county where the crime occurred and law enforcement officials have not been willing to do so in the close-knit community.

Well what do you expect. We may have a black president but we certainly aren’t past our racial biases.

• There are do-overs in apologies! Orange County, California, Tea Party activist and Republican Party official Marilyn Davenport at first defended her racist e-mail of President Obama, but now she really means it. Honest.

• Texas Comptroller of Public Accounts Susan Combs accidentally made 3.5 million Texans’ names and social security numbers publicly available on the web for an entire year, so she’s sent an apology to each and every one of them. Sorta:

The letter ends with the only thing approaching an apology: “We sincerely regret that this incident occurred. Thank you for your shared vigilance at a time when the potential for cyber crime remains a great threat.”

Her signature isn’t on the 3.5 million form letters that went out. Holy identity theft, Batman, that’s a lot of voters — equivalent to about one of every five adults in Texas. The letters are signed instead by Victor Gonzalez, chief technology officer for the comptroller’s office.

He resigned last Friday, before all of the letters had even been delivered.

• Not exactly an apology but this correction in a pro-nuke L.A. Times op-ed by Mark Lynas cracked me up:

For The Record

Los Angeles Times Friday, April 15, 2011 Home Edition Main News Part A Page 27 Editorial Desk 1 inches; 51 words Type of
Material: Correction

Nuclear: An April 10 Op-Ed advocating for nuclear power indicated that to replace Japan's current nuclear generation capacity would require wind farms occupying 1.3 billion acres and more than 50% of the country's total land mass. The correct figures are 1.3 million acres and less than 3% of Japan's land mass.

Dude forgot to carry the one.

Honorable mentions:

• Still waiting for their apology: Taco Bell, which wants an apology from the law firm which just withdrew its “where’s the beef” lawsuit. Curious that they don’t want one from the plaintiff.

• Some people are too big to apologize. They just need to have the official record scrubbed.

• Pending apology: Michigan Republican State Senator Bruce Casswell, who wants to make the kids in Michigan’s foster care system buy all of their clothes from second-hand stores. Why? Because when he was a kid, “I never had anything new.” You just know he’s going to have to walk that one back any day now.

Jane Austen's Fight Club

This cracked me up:

Disobedient Stars

This cracked me up on a whole lot of levels:

Once Tim Childress thought he was being patriotic when he went to buy an American flag at his local Dollar Tree store in Dallas. But he soon discovered that his purchase was a cheap swindler of Old Glory that was adorned with a not-so authentic 61 stars.

Childress noticed the strange crooked pattern containing 11 extra stars when he returned home from the store, local television station WFAA-TV reported. The extra stars disobey the standard set by President Eisenhower that requires the American flag should consists of thirteen equal horizontal stripes of red (top and bottom) alternating with white, with a blue rectangle in the canton (referred to specifically as the “union”) bearing fifty small, white, five-pointed stars arranged in nine offset horizontal rows of six stars (top and bottom) alternating with rows of five stars. The plastic flag was made in China and marketed by a Virginia company, the television station reported.

The whole thing is hilarious, from the stilted English to this guy’s sad face:

Dude That’s What You Get For Picking The Shiny One

I’m not familiar with “Today24News” but it appears to be an Indian web aggregate of U.S. news.

I dunno, the story itself is funny enough but the way this outlet covered it is hilarious. A couple years ago I had briefly flirted with those sites like Guru.com where creative people bid on projects. I quickly saw that it was a racket, few of the jobs are any good, many aren't even legit, and nine times out of 10 your bid was wildly undercut by some guy in India. Well, this is what you get, people. If you're going to write for American audiences, try hiring native English speakers to do your copy. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, Mr. Beale and I picked up a flag for the house before Fourth of July. Happy to report it has just 50 very obedient stars.

Redneck Art

This cracked me up:

Suck It, Vuvuzelas!

California's Death Valley has booming sand dunes. This just fascinated the heck out of me:

Feel Good Friday: Ode To Big Butter Jesus

This ode to Touchdown Jesus, aka Big Butter Jesus, shows some of the hilarity I referenced here. Rumor has it BBJ will be rebuilt but you know, it will never be the same.

Goodbye, Touchdown Jesus

Something for Pat Robertson to chew on: apparently lightning struck Ohio’s infamous “Touchdown Jesus” statue last night, burning it the ground.

Here it was, in its glory days:



Apparently it was visible from the Interstate. Now all that remains is the wire mesh frame. And I have a big sad. People had a lot of fun with “Touchdown Jesus,” turning him into “High-Five Jesus” and other shenanigans. Thanks for the memories, Touchdown Jesus!

High-Five Jesus

Touchdown Jesus With Football

Ah well, the fun is over, for now. But hey, if God is striking down ugly art, may I suggest Nashville's ode to the founder of the Ku Klux Klan, Nathan Bedford Forrest?

Hey God, You Might Want To Stop By I-65 South Of Nashville & Take Out This Monstrosity

Don't Quit Your Day Jobs

The cast and crew of Mad Men sing Bye Bye Birdie. The best part is seeing John Slattery in a wig.

Redistribution Of Wealth

It’s apparently still illegal:

German 'Robin Hood' banker gets suspended sentence

A German bank employee who secretly transferred money from rich to poor clients has been given a 22-month suspended prison term.

The 62-year-old woman, dubbed the 'Robin Hood Banker', moved more than $11m (£7m) in 117 transfers.

The court in Bonn was told that the employee, who has not been named, took no money for herself.

The bank made a loss of more than $1.5m (£1m) when poor customers were unable to pay back unauthorised overdrafts.

The employee was accused of allowing overdrafts for customers who would not normally qualify for them.

I have one question for this woman: why’d you do it? Was it compassion for the people who were overdrawn? A sense of the injustice that some customers would have so much, while others had so little?

Or just an obsessive-compulsive need to make sure everything tallied up at the end of the month?

I’m dying to know. And I think this story would make a fascinating screenplay.

(h/t, Moonbootica)

Strange Bedfellows

[UPDATE]:

Ah. Apparently not so synergistic after all.

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You’ve got to hand it to the marketing folks at the Cincinnati Zoo and the Creation Museum. They’ve seen a cross-promotional opportunity where others see only conflicting worldviews:

The Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden and the Creation Museum have made a joint marketing agreement and are selling "combo tickets" to get into both attractions for one price.

That strikes me as rather odd but in today’s economically challenging times, I understand that attractions need to broaden their reach and do what they can to keep the turnstiles clicking.

Here are some other cross promotional opportunities attractions might wish to consider:

• National Underground Railroad Freedom Center in Cincinnati and the World Famous KKK Museum in Laurens, South Carolina.

• The Harriet Beecher Stowe House in Cincinnati and the Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia in Michigan.

• The National Women’s History Museum in Washington, D.C. and the Museum of Menstruation in Maryland. Sadly, the MoM is now closed, but I understand one can still see the exhibits if they call Mr. Finley ahead of time.

• The Kentucky Coal Mining Museum and passes to the film "Faces of Black Lung”.

The possibilities are endless! Anyone have any other suggestions?

Ew. Just, Ew

Those wacky kids:

Yale University said on Monday that it would not allow a senior to participate in a campus art exhibition unless she made a written statement that her “performance,” in which she repeatedly inseminated herself and then induced miscarriages, was a fiction that she had concocted.

Call me old-fashioned, but that ain’t art. It also ain’t true. It can’t be, unless the artist in question is Fertile Myrtle. This story reeks of bullshit. I mean come on, people. Use some common sense.

To wit:

Yale said last week that Ms. Shvarts had told three university officials that she had not inseminated herself or induced abortions but had made up the story as part of the project. On Friday, however, Ms. Shvarts insisted she had really experienced “repeated, self-induced miscarriages,” although she said that she had not known if she was actually pregnant.

Note to Ms. Shvarts: if you aren’t pregnant, then you can’t have a miscarriage. The two kind of go together.

But I digress:

Yale officials said the denials were part of the continuing art performance, and on Monday demanded that it end.

Oh! It all makes so much sense now. I can see some whacked out “performance artist” trying to make “art” out of a public uproar. That kind of seems to be where this country has been headed for the past couple of years, right? I mean look at the election coverage of our 24-hour news channels. If they haven't raised "spectacle" to an art form, I don't know what has.

But I wouldn’t label media hysteria and spectacle “art.” That gives it far too much credit.

The whole thing is just gross.