Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Because You Can Never Be Too Prepared For These Things

Who Will Look After Me
When You've Gone To Be With Jesus?

Hey folks, with the Rapture just a few weeks away, have you thought about what you’d do if all this Dominionist Christian theology actually turned out to be true?

I’m not talking about your immortal soul and accepting Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and savior. I’m talking about those loved ones left behind -- namely, your pets.

Thankfully, while you’ve been off selfishly at Bible study or proselytizing to your friends and neighbors before the big day, someone has been thinking about these loyal companions. According to some folks’ theology, Fluffy and Fido won’t make it to heaven because they don’t have souls. Hard to believe, I know: you’d think a lifetime of selfless and undying devotion no matter what you look like or what an asshole you are would grant them entry into the Afterlife. Sadly, no.

Fortunately, a wonderful new service has been created: After The Rapture Pet Care. Now this is what I call entrepreneurship!

Here’s how it works: for a one-time fee of $10, Christians can register their pets with After The Rapture Pet Care (the fee is supposed to deter fake accounts). Then when the Rapture happens, the After The Rapture network of non-Christian/atheist pet caretakers is activated. And you can rise up, secure in the knowledge that some heathen, animal-sacrificing Satanist lovely non-believer will care for your pet after you’re gone.

Of course, if they don’t, you’ll have no way of knowing since you’ll be spending the rest of eternity worshipping Jesus. And you’re not allowed to meet your pet caretaker pre-Rapture because of confidentiality concerns. But at least you tried to do the right thing and who knows: that could be the final good deed to push you over into the “saved” column!

And for those non-believers who want to sign up to be volunteer pet caretakers: have at it! You might be able to get a really cool car or big screen TV into the bargain. Why not? It’s not like the newly-Raptured Christians are going to use them.


Seriously, I’m pretty sure this has to be a hoax or a scam, although they claim it’s not .