Something Else Corporate America Has Ruined

Nothing against the Girl Scouts, who are a worthy group despite being an elite paramilitary Nationalistic propaganda organization (wingnuts note: this is my first Red Dawn reference of 2010!). But let me be the first to say: Girl Scout Cookies suck.

Seriously. Today’s Girl Scout Cookies are revolting. Sorry, but you know it’s true. They are nothing at all like what I remember getting when we were kids. The Thin Mints and Tagalongs taste like they are coated in wax, and whatever excuse for sweetener they use leaves a nasty aftertaste. Blech. You couldn’t pay me to eat that crap.

I suspect Girl Scout Cookies started sucking when Keebler started making them. I really despise all Keebler products, they taste like they’re made of toxic waste imported from China. Keebler is owned by Kellogg, the same people who bought Famous Amos cookies and made them suck, too.

I’m sorry, but you people just seem to have that merde touch.

Now, let me give you a little tip, and trust me, I am not getting paid one penny for this plug (I don’t do that “pay to blog” crap.) But if you like Thin Mints and want a cookie that doesn’t taste like it was manufactured in Beelzebub’s kitchen, Back to Nature makes these Fudge Mint cookies that are to die for. I kid you not. Mr. Beale and I have been known to go through an entire box in one evening. Plus, they are made without partially hydrogenated oils or high fructose corn syrup and who knows what other nasties.

Of course, Back To Nature Foods is owned by Kraft -- information you really have to dig around to find. Most natural foods companies have an evil corporate parent these days (Odwalla juices = Coca Cola, Tom’s of Maine = Colgate, Burt’s Bee’s = Clorox, Silk Soymilk = Dean Foods, etc.), a fact of life known as corporate greenwashing . They won’t tell you they are owned by a multinational corporation responsible for environmental destruction and human rights abuses in third world countries. But that’s the fact.

It's kinda cute. Sorta like how all those Southern Baptist churches stopped calling themselves "Baptist" because the brand had been tarnished. Now they are "community churches" or "the people's church" or some other nonsense. But inside, it's Southern Baptist.

So Kraft it too ashamed of itself to put its name on its Back To Nature products? Good to know.

This “greenwashing” is a fairly new development, and there is still considerable debate among lefties as to whether this means the natural foods industry has won the war or sold out. I’m still undecided though I will say it makes it impossible to live “responsibly” unless you grow your own food and churn your own butter. It’s also a good example of why boycotts never work any more, because basically there are just five companies left in the whole world, with everything a wholly-owned subsidiary of something else, and that a piece of a venture capital firm, and that owned by Chinese and Saudi bankers. You know, we Americans are so fucking clueless about our economy and I’m sure that’s by design. The less we know, the better.

But getting back to cookies, the Back To Nature Fudge Mint’s taste exactly like a Thin Mint should taste without the toxic waste. And if Kraft Foods fucks with Fudge Mint cookies there is going to be hell to pay.

Just sayin’.