Friday, October 19, 2007

More Things God Hates

This post is in honor of the Values Voters folks meeting in Washington D.C. this weekend. In an effort to push the Republican Party over a cliff just because they can, James Dobson, Tony Perkins et. al. are gathering to discuss all the things they hate: gays, and abortion, and Rudy Giuliani and they really hate Hilary Clinton. But they love Jesus, and they love war, and they are sure Jesus hates all the same things they hate, so they're trying to find a presidential candidate who hates those things, too. (Pssst ... I hear Sam Brownback is available!)

But let's talk about the things God hates. Rev. Phelps likes to tell us how God hates figs fags, but I’d like to remind him and all the other gay-bashers meeting in Washington this weekend that God hates shrimp, too. Yes, the Almighty made his dislike of the crustacean pretty clear, and it’s really been worrying me that this nation’s descent into sin and corruption might have something to do with the Red Lobster Endless Shrimp combo. So it was with great relief that I learned this week that someone shares my concerns:
Shrimp, crab, lobster, clams, mussels, all these are an abomination before the Lord, just as gays are an abomination. Why stop at protesting gay marriage? Bring all of God's law unto the heathens and the sodomites. We call upon all Christians to join the crusade against Long John Silver's and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye's shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants.

Come on, put another shrimp on the barbie--to rid this Christian nation of the infidel crustacean, that is! And by the way, the Biblical prohibition extends to “all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers,” so that includes lobster, crab, oysters and clams.

God also hates pork, so let’s add Swett’s, Bar-B-Cutie and Corky’s to the list too. Oh, and football, too -- because even touching the skin of a dead pig is toevah.

Come to think of it, God may hate figs, too. Jesus did curse the fig tree, which is more than he had to say about homosexuals.